Donald Trump will attend the World Economic Forum’s annual conference in Davos, Switzerland, on Thursday and Friday. The New York Times has obtained a copy of the president’s remarks. Check against delivery.
I know you’re as glad to see me as I am to see you. No, really. Like, I know you voted for Trump. Or maybe you didn’t vote for me, because your wives, if you had voted for me, they’d withhold sex. But, when I won, in your hearts, you were very happy. And now you’re all so much richer, and your wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, whatever — I’m a very tolerant person — they aren’t withholding, probably.
Am I right? I’m right.
It’s been an amazing, amazing year. The New York Times, such losers! Right after I won, they predicted the stock market would never recover. Every week, it’s Trump is destroying this, Trump is blowing up that, and has the world ended yet? Yet here we are, folks. No. 1 in fake news, the failing Times.
As I said, you’re all doing very, very well. The markets are up, up, up, like never before. Seven, eight trillion dollars in market cap since Trump was elected. Biggest tax cut in history, believe me. Apple, Google, Microsoft, all these companies bringing home trillions in overseas cash. How’s your share price doing? If you have a problem with it, let’s have a show of hands. No hands. Thought so.
I couldn’t help but notice on my way in how much snow you’ve got here in Davos, five, six feet. Global warming, uh-huh. When it’s hot, it’s global warming, and when it’s cold, it’s climate change. It’s like, heads I win, tails you lose. But people aren’t stupid.
That’s why I took the United States out of that terrible Paris deal. Rex Tillerson, who’s doing a terrific job as secretary of state, he said, “Mr. President, you just can’t pull out like that! What about our allies?” OK, maybe Rex isn’t doing such a terrific job, we’ll see about Rex.
Anyway, I know you all have your climate plans and corporate social responsibility BS, but none of you believes a word of it. The difference between us is that you keep quiet so that you’ll look good at Davos, but I don’t. I say all the stuff you’re too afraid to say. I say the truth, and people love me.
I also say that Haiti is a, well, not such a nice place. Let’s have another show of hands if you plan to move your wife and kids to Haiti anytime soon. I didn’t think so. Wonderful, hardworking people, by the way, the Haitians. Many of them work at my properties in Florida as groundskeepers, maids, that kind of stuff. Ask them, they love me, too.
So what am I doing here? I read the papers — believe me, I read, I’m, like, the best reader, you know I went to Wharton? — and I know this is all supposed to be about how you’re all Davos Men and I’m Mr. America First, and it’s, you know, never the twain shall meet.
Whatever. We’re businessmen. We think the same way. You want to turn a profit and beat the competition. You don’t want to get crushed. And you’ll do what you need to do and say what you need to say to win.
That’s the way the world is, folks. You think China doesn’t know this? You think Russia — and you know this Russia story, collusion, there was no collusion, none — doesn’t know? Why do you think they keep winning? China is getting bigger, stronger, while Europe just gets smaller and weaker. Angela Merkel, sorry, but she’s a total joke. Lets in a million Muslims, illegals, terrorists probably, in one year, and the German people don’t like it at all. Remember, a year ago, how it was like, “Merkel is the real leader of the free world”? Now she barely leads her own government.
She should have built a wall. Not smart!
Anyway, China. Last year, Xi — we have a terrific relationship, by the way, Xi and I, but he could be a lot better on North Korea, believe me — Xi was here in Davos, saying he was, like, Mr. Globalization. And everyone was like, ooh, ahh, China’s taking over, and adios America.
You have got to be kidding me. Have any of you here had your trade secrets stolen by China? Any of you think the Chinese play fair? You like human rights in China, pollution in China? Do some of you want to live in a world run by Xi? Because, be my guest.
But if you don’t, then things have to change. It can’t be, we’ll play by all the rules, like a bunch of little girls, and China gets to cheat, and pretend that that’s OK. Because, believe me, cheaters always win. Nobody knows this better than me.
So that has got to stop. That’s my message to you people. Do you want America first or China first? I’m saying, it’s your choice. But if it’s America first you want, then you’re going to stop playing us for suckers.
We aren’t going to pay your bills while you take our jobs. We aren’t going to fight your battles if you aren’t going to buy our products. We aren’t going to let you get rich off of us, if we can’t get richer off of you. We’re stronger than you and we’re going to stay that way. We can leave the surrender stuff to our European friends. Got it?
You want America to be nice, we can be very nice, I’m very nice, isn’t that right, Klaus? But, we’re not stupid, believe me.
Enjoy your snow day, people.
Bret Stephens won a Pulitzer Prize for commentary in 2013. He began working as a columnist at The New York Times in April.