Here's a Christmas story that might make you cry, but not for sentimental reasons. The town of Great Barrington, Mass., population 7,000, has ordered a curfew on "holiday" lights this season because of global warming.
By a 4-0 vote, the Barrington selectmen decreed all decorative lights be shut off by 10 p.m. Selectman Ronald Dlugosz opined: "I hate to be Scrooge here, but we're really doing a lot in this community to be fuel efficient, to reduce our carbon footprint."
Swell. Since a cow belching does more damage to the environment than a string of Christmas lights (sorry, holiday lights), it is inconceivable these loons are trotting a "carbon footprint" argument to help the environment. The real strategy here is to diminish the public display of Christmas in that secular town.
How do I know that? Well, thanks for asking. As it happens, I sent "Factor" producer Jesse Watters up to talk to this Dlugosz guy:
Watters: Isn't this just a ruse to de-emphasize Christmas?
Dlugosz: These are holiday lights. ... We don't think we should be putting lights all over the place and impacting our environment. We're taking a realistic approach to holiday lights.
Did you notice the term "holiday lights"?
So I am calling for an intervention. The good people of Western Massachusetts deserve to have a bright Christmas (holiday) season! I am asking Al Gore to arrive on a horse-drawn sleigh and talk some sense into these incredible Great Barrington pinheads.
I mean, how stupid is this? For a few weeks every year, the United States of America gets festive in honoring the birth of a man whose philosophy helped shape this country. That, of course, would be Jesus, not Barry Holiday.
And every year, we now have to hear whining from dolts who are offended not only by a baby lying in a manager, but also by images of decorated trees and a jolly old man in a beard. Call me a theocrat, but I have had enough of this politically correct bilge.
Great Barrington is controlled by people who somehow believe Christmas decorations are harming the world. These numbskulls are so crazed by melting polar ice caps and perceived church-state "issues," that they are imposing fascist declarations on folks who just want to enjoy the season.
So Al Gore must get involved. Since he has been driving this global warming stuff, he now has an obligation to calm the citizenry down. Dick Cheney can't do it; he's off shooting animals. And President Bush holds no sway among the far-left loons in Great Barrington.
No, it must be Gore. He's the only one who can save Christmas in the Berkshires. Shine a light on this insanity, Al. Tell them the inconvenient truth.
Veteran TV news anchor Bill O'Reilly is host of the Fox News show "The O'Reilly Factor" and author of the book "Who's Looking Out For You?" To find out more about Bill O'Reilly, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com. This column originates on the Web site www.billoreilly.com.