Family

Published 4:00 am Monday, June 23, 2003

Adoption shouldn’t be used as excuse

Question: Our daughter was adopted when she was an infant. She is now approaching 3 years old and is a delightful, sweet, lovable child. However, we know that as she gets older she will have special problems because of the fact that she is adopted. Can you give us any advice?

Answer: Please don’t presume that all adopted children have problems. Treat your adopted daughter as you would treat any biological child. You should set the same standards, enforce the same discipline and express the same love. Raise her as if she was your own child, because she is your child!

You should always be open with your daughter about the fact that she was adopted. Do not wait until she is a teenager to discuss this issue. There are many books that can help explain this to a young child.

There may be times when your daughter may use the fact that she was adopted as a pseudo explanation for some misbehavior. You should not respond to such excuses, but simply reassure her of your love.

Don’t make too big a deal about the fact that your child is adopted. There is no need for neighbors, friends or school officials to treat an adopted child differently than any other youngster. Enjoy your daughter and don’t pay much attention to the fact she was adopted.

Question: Our 10-year-old daughter is academically gifted. She has a few friends, but rarely asks them over to play. She is never invited to anyone’s home. She is content playing at home with her 5-year-old brother. She tends to be happier in one-on-one situations and does not like being with a group of children. Is there a reason to be alarmed? Is her giftedness the reason for her not fitting in with children her own age?

Answer: The fact that your daughter is never invited to anyone’s home to play does suggest some concern. It is unclear if this is related to her being gifted.

Friendships are based upon shared interests. Help your daughter use her interests and hobbies as a way to establish connections with other children. There are numerous groups, clubs and organizations that focus on academically gifted youngsters. Various science projects, creativity contests (e.g., Destination Imagination) and similar organizations tend to attract academically gifted students. Try to locate such organizations in your area that might interest your daughter.

Second, make sure your home is a child-friendly environment. This doesn’t mean you need an overabundance of toys or high-tech computers. Rather, it means that your home is a warm and inviting place in which other children feel comfortable.

Finally, speak with your daughter’s schoolteacher. What does your daughter do at recess? How does she handle group situations? What does she do during her lunch period? Perhaps there are a few children at school that may be the basis for possible friendships.

While there is no reason to be alarmed at this point, it certainly is an area of concern for which some attention would be appropriate.

>Gregory Ramey is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. To ask questions, go to the Ask an Expert link at www.childrensdayton.org. © Cox News Service